It all started after lunch. Of course, it really ALL started the day my husband and I actually decided we were going to have children, but that is going back too far. After lunch today I had a realization. I know why all moms are crazy now. And yes, we are ALL crazy. I knew this before.
Oh stop protesting Moms out there. You know I am right. Just think about how many times you think, "Before I had children I could speak intelligently about current events (not the pros and cons of toilet training before 2) or remember seven different languages (not the words to the Thomas the Tank Engine theme song) or actually have a complete thought before another thought or child interrupts, or remember what I was going all the way upstairs to retrieve...".you get the idea. You are not the same. Of course those of you who still think you are the same are proving my point once again. You are so far in denial, you must be crazy. For those who are thinking, what makes you think we are crazy? Maybe everyone else is crazy and we are normal!" I say, whatever makes you feel better, girlfriend!
As I said, I knew this craziness existed before I had children, but for some reason I thought I was going to be different. I have long since realized that before I had children I didn't know ANYTHING about parenting, even though, I had many opinions about it. It is much easier to know ABOUT something than to actually experience it. I long for those days of superior and logical thought. Oh, I was SO smart. Sigh.
But back to lunch, or after lunch. Actually, I was wrong. This started before lunch at the Running Room. I was at the Running Room with my children to engage in a purely selfish act: buy myself a new pair of running shoes. Now, the fact that we went during what is normally the kid’s time to go to the park or something else they would like to do is important. But in my defense, going for a jog 3 times a week for 45 minutes or so is the only time I am by myself and quite frankly, it is the only time of the week that I begin to feel a little saner. My current running shoes, let’s just say, have been used well and when I got an e-mail informing me of that my $169 shoes were on sale for $129, I just had to go.
So, this outing was 100% about me. Here is the thing: in this world of motherhood, this is just not allowed. Keep in mind, this is Crazy Mom talking and it would be best if you read this in a whisper, but here is an unknown piece of information for you: every selfish act you commit while you are a mother comes back to haunt you tenfold. See what did I tell you? Crazy right?
The very fact that as I write this, as some sort of Mommy therapy, while my children dismantle the house, is yet another selfish act. Currently my daughter has taken every single book off the shelf and thrown them on the floor, a bucket of crayons and felts and pencil crayons have also been dumped on the floor and my son has taken all the cushions off the couch and is standing behind me with a silly smile on his face. Every time I look back he laughs at me. Now he is in a full blown laugh. I think he is trying to get my attention. I think I should give it to him. Not because I will be inducting some sort of Mommy bad karma, but because kids need attention and if I didn't want to give kids attention I wouldn't have had kids, right? RIGHT??????
Before I go any farther on my day of realization I think I should point out that I love my children. They are the best thing I have ever created. They are funny, cute, interesting and truly a joy to be around. They make me smile every day and help me see things I had totally forgotten about. For instance, I forgot how fun it was to run through the fall leaves and feel raindrops on my face. They taught me that. The children themselves are perfect. It is Crazy Mom that is the problem.
I enter the Running Room with my children. The sales person greets us and gives the obligatory "Aren't you cute?" to the kids. It usually starts this way. Then my son torpedoes around the store, knocking over a stack of shoe boxes and shoes spill everywhere. This startles the sales person as they run to clean this up while asking, "Can I help you find something?" This is the good and bad thing about going into a store with my children. If one can get over the embarrassment of one's children destroying the place, you really do get quick service. One time on a quest to get a wedding gift, I walked into the fine china department of The Bay with kid 1 and kid 2, who were, quite frankly quite tired of shopping and eager to run around. There was a salesperson at my side within 10 seconds. Then she told me to stay put, snatched the Bridal registry out of my hand and called over her shoulder as she ran away "I'll bring things to you and you can choose! Stay right there!" And sure enough she spent the next 20 minutes bringing me things from the list until I chose what I wanted. Easiest shopping I have ever done.
Back at the Running Room the sales person quickly goes to the back, grabs my shoe and drops it in front of me.
"Should I try them on?" I say.
"NO! I mean, no, I am sure they are fine, if they are not, bring them back."
So I complete my transaction, quite satisfied with my purchase and my indulgence for the day and happy my children only took apart one display, knocked all the power bars on the floor, and left 20 or so socks in a pile on the floor. So we head home for lunch.
Remember how I said all selfish acts come back to haunt you? Well here it is. Diarrhea. My son is toilet trained, but can be prone to leaving it to the very last minute to make his way to the bathroom (which often leaves my bathroom smelling something like a public urinal). This practice does not work well when one has diarrhea. So here it is. My selfish act of making my children go with me to buy shoes for myself has come back to haunt me. After I clean up the assortment of bodily fluid from the floor, toilet seat, and yes, the wall, put my son's clothes in the wash and retrieve him some clean ones, I look for my lovely daughter. She is standing on the kitchen table with her sippy cup in the air saying, "Mama, ooose!" This is when she tosses her cup into the air with glee. The top of the sippy cup, of course, does not hold and now there is apple juice sinking into the carpet. I grab my daughter from the table, put her down on the floor, grab a cloth from the sink, and turn back around to the puddle of juice to see both my children dancing happily in the puddle. I sigh. I take of their socks, tell them to "Go to the toy room!" and attempt to clean up the mess. I return to the kitchen to wring out the cloth, but as I am doing that my son, who wants to help has dragged a roll of toilet paper to the spot and is dabbing it on the carpet. I take the TP away with a stern look and point him to the toy room. He looks at me with the saddest look ever and wanders away.
This is when the realization happens. I am not haunted by these selfish acts. I am haunted by the GUILT I feel from those selfish acts. I am not being punished. My kids are just being themselves. I was told once that you choose to feel guilty. I am going to try my best to make a better choice. Of course, this might make me crazy er... I mean crazier.
